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Golf Quotations

A distinguished professor of pathology, who recently holed out in one at the fourth at Walton Heath, thus opening the round 4, 3, 7, 1, 4, 4, 4, asks whether he is the only man in history to have started a round of golf with his own telephone number.
Henry Longhurst
A golf cart is a two-wheeled bag-carrier that decreases the exercise value of playing 18 holes of golf from about the level of two sets of doubles tennis to the equivalent of an hour and a half of shopping.
Henry Beard Golfing (1985)
A golf course manager is the keeper of lawn order.
Erica H. Stux
A golfer is a guy who can walk eight miles with a heavy bag of clubs, but when he gets home he expects his dog to fetch his slippers.
A Lorena Bobbitt: a nasty slice.
Gary McCord (1994)
After a tie saw Europe retain the Ryder Cup- Big Mouth Yanks Get Their Own Butts Kicked.
Daily Star headline (1989)
After helping Argentina defeat England in the World Cup- Like Maradona, I too used my hand, but only to pick my birdies out of the hole.
Vincante Fernandez (1986)
After injuring her foot- It was stupid. I learned a lesson. When you have a fight with a club, the club always wins.
Patti Hayes
And the wind shall say 'Here were decent godless people; Their only monument the asphalt road And a thousand lost golf balls.'
T.S. Eliot
Ferdinand Magellan went round the world in 1512 - which isn't too many strokes when you consider the distance.
Joe Laurie Jr
God listens to me everywhere - except on the golf course.
Billy Graham
Golfers don't fist fight. They cuss a bit. But they wouldn't punch anything or anybody. They might hurt their hands and have to change their grip.
Dan Jenkins Dead Solid Perfect (1974)
I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.
David Brenner (1977)
I have a furniture problem. My chest has fallen into my drawers.
Billy Casper
If God had intended a round of golf to take more than three hours. He would not have invented Sunday lunch.
Jimmy Hill
In Britain, you skip the ball, hop it, hump it, run it, hit under it, on top of it and then hope for the right bounce.
Doug Sanders Sports Illustrated (1984)
It is as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size.
Henry Beard Mulligan's Law (1994)
It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in the baseball park. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Henry 'Hank' Aaron
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Mark Twain
Mulligan: invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more 20-yard grounder.
Jim Bishop (1970)
Oh! The dirty little pill Went rolling over the hill And rolled right into a bunker. From there to the green, I took thirteen And then, by God, I sunk her!
Traditional verse
On being asked, before his final round, what he had to shoot to win the tournament- The rest of the field.
Roger Maltbie
On slow play- By the time you get to your ball, if you don't know what to do with it, try another sport.
Julian Boros
Only the other day I actually saw someone laugh on a posh golf course in Surrey.
Michael Green Even Coarser Sport (1978)
Our guess is that the inventor of scopolamine, the truth-forcing drug, grew weary of listening to golf scores.
Colorado Springs Gazette
Playing with your spouse on the golf course runs almost as great a marital risk as getting caught playing with someone else's anywhere else.
Peter Andrews
Scotland is a peculiar land that is the birthplace of golf and sport salmon fishing, a fact which may explain why it is also the birthplace of whisky.
Henry Beard An Angler's Dictionary (1983)
Some guys get so nervous playing for their own money, the greens don't need fertilising for a year.
Dave Hill Teed Off (1977)
Some players would complain if they had to play on Dolly Parton's bedspread.
Jimmy Demaret
The difference between a sand trap and water is the difference between a car crash and an airplane crash. You have a chance of recovering from a car crash.
Robert T. Jones
The entire handbook can be reduced to three rules: One: you do not touch your ball from the time you tee it up to the moment you pick it out of the hole. Two: don't bend over when you are in the rough. Three: when you are in the woods, keep clapping your hands.
Charles Price Esquire
The golfer who stands at the ball as rigid as a statue usually becomes a monumental failure.
Dick Aultman
The interesting thing about a Coarse Golfer's language is that to listen to him one would think that his bad shots came as a surprise.
Michael Green The Art of Coarse Golf
The nice things about these golf books is that they usually cancel each other out. One book tells you to keep your eye on the ball; the next says not to bother. Personally, in the crowd I play with, a better idea is to keep your eye on your partner.
Jim Murray
The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes.
Michael Green
The uglier a man's legs are the better he plays golf.
H.G. Wells
They say that President Taft, When hit by a golf ball, once laughed And said, 'I'm not sore, Although he called Fore The place where he hit me was aft!'
Title of book - Alliss Through The Looking Glass.
Peter Alliss
Watching a golf tournament is different from attending other sports arenas. For one thing, the drunks are spread out in a larger area.
Don Wade
You can't lose an old golf ball.
John Willis Willis' Rule of Golf (1980) - quotes, quotations and bloopers from the world of sport

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